Monday, August 15, 2011

Road Trippin. Day One/Two.

"I have to start early."
This is what I told myself, anyway. For a person with no set agenda or schedule for something nearing the entirety of this half-country jaunt, I certainly made it my business to stress out about when I had to leave to get nowhere in particular on time.

My plan was leave by 7 or 8, but of course I was just dragging my bony, lazy ass out of bed by 8:15.


Oh well. I was on the road by 9:30, doing double, triple and quadruple takes around my room beforehand, digging through the clothes, blankets and books strewn around the area, convinced I would forget something I'd be willing to drive 500 miles back to retrieve.

Stopping really only for more gas along the way (mental note: holywhoa. this is going to add up quickly), I drove south through Des Moines and then straight west, through the entirety of the longest part of Nebraska, convinced I was going to slit my wrists along the way out of boredom.

God heard my wails though, apparently, because I received all of the momentary distraction I needed in the form of a text.
Here's the situation: I've received calls on my cellphone asking for a Felicia for about a year now. No idea who the bitch is, but it takes more than a little convincing with whomever is calling that A) I'm not Felicia and, B) no I don't know where she is or how you could get a hold of her in regards to her car or her computer or her job or her test results.
NEVER, though, have I gotten a text meant for this elusive lady. Until now, anyway. What follows my brilliant scheme to bring Felicia into ruin (or at least get her to give out the right goddamn number) by pretending to be her, completely unedited and true to form:

? ~ Hi felicia! Its dove...r u wrkn tomorrow morning or night?

(Me, as Felicia) ~ oh hay girl! im workin tomorrow nite! wat bout u?!

? ~ U don't wanna wrk morn?

? ~ :(

(Me) ~ i can't! i have a brunch date with this super hott guy named maxwell! thinkin i might give up my goodies if he plays his cards rite!

? ~ Ohhh! Well in that case, have fun! Don't give your goodies away for nothin! Lol! C-ya tomorrow!

(Me) ~ haha hes way foxy so i might have to give them up for nothin! you know how i be! see you tomorrow!

Bitch better learn quick.

I ended up parking in a vacant parking lot and passing out in my car in the outskirts of Wamsutter, Wyoming, a town of apparently 260 people. Was I afraid I was going to get raped and murdered in the mountain range of the US? Maybe. Would it have been worth it? Definitely.

Today I sit in in a little local coffee shop in Salt Lake City called Beans and Brews, looking for a non-trucker public shower that I could use before exploring the rest of the city...Hm. Maybe I'll just soak up some sun in front of the lake instead. You get the vague feeling of being in a dry, humid snowglobe while here because giant what-I'm-assuming-are plateaus nearly envelope the city entirely. I'm just waiting for some colossal child to peer down at me from the sky and shake the entire enclosure for his twisted little pleasure...I don't blame him. I'd probs do the same.


Anonymous,  August 15, 2011 at 1:02 PM  

So this was great. You are an amazing writer and you should really think about doing this professionally!

Anonymous,  August 15, 2011 at 9:26 PM  

OMG! Laughed my hiney off!! Ditto to writing professionally!

Anonymous,  August 16, 2011 at 6:03 PM  

Hey kiddo....even if you don't text me whilst you are on the road, I can hopefully read more here from your upward and onward endeavor. I'm with you in spirit, love! auntie R

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